Can't Touch This

God Bless Brother Christian Bale...

...for providing the inspiration for yet another techno song:



After this week, I'll never watch Swing Kids the same way again. 

2 Fast, 2 Furious...2 Ghetto

Just when you thought hip-hop rivalries couldn't get more ridiculous, leave it to Souljah Boy and Bow Wow to prove you wrong. 

This week's "Disgrace to the Race" Award is shared jointly by these two hip-hop knuckleheads. Recently, Tweedle Souljah and Tweedle Bow Wow each made videos showing off their Lamborghinis and exchanging insults. Their beef: whose overpriced Italian automobile is the fastest and the phatest. 

As if anybody besides them gives a flying prophetic fuck. 

Never mind that the country is in economic crisis, or that we just elected our first African-American president, or that it's Black History Month (i.e., that all-too-brief period when black folks try to put a moratorium on stupid, embarrassing behavior). 

Never mind all that...but all this over a Lamborghini?

Perhaps somebody should inform these under-miseducated "rich niggaz" that men with flashy cars are usually compensating for something. And since we know neither of them is deficient in the ego department, we can only infer what (or where) it is they might be lacking. 

But if that's the case, at least they'd be defying one cultural stereotype. 

Sexual...I mean Financial Healing

Brothers and sisters, America is undergoing a period of deep economic and spiritual crisis. People are losing their jobs, families are losing their homes, stockbrokers are losing their corporate jets...and worst of all, their Viagra prescriptions. Sometimes it feels the only thing keeping this country from losing its collective mind is Thursday nights with Tina Fey and Sunday mornings with Jesus (or watching this video over and over again).

Consequently, in light of these oh-so-troubled, neo-Dickensian times, I decided to start this blog. Sure, perhaps it's a tad self-promotional. But what better way to ease your burden (and increase your vocabulary) than with a daily dose of profound, prophetic, profusive humor from your favorite post-postmodern, post-racial, post-partisan, always alliterative academic Professor Clifton East!

To kick things off, here’s a little song I wrote to the tune of Brother Marvin Gaye’s "Sexual Healing." 

It’s called "Financial Healing":

Save up save up save up save up

Save up save up save up save up

Oh baby let's not spend tonight...

Ooooh

Baby, my wallet’s feeling funny
I need some money

And

Baby, I can’t buy you no more shit
Because I just can’t afford it

When I get that feeling I need financial healing
Financial healing
Oh baby
Don't need it to come with any frills
Long as it helps me pay my bills

Financial healing, baby, is good for me
Financial healing is something that’s good for me

Whenever I check my checking account
Or get depressed ‘cause there’s only one digit in my 401k
There is something I can do
I can get on the telephone and call you up baby
Of course, I’ll have to call you collect
‘Cause I just changed my phone plan and my ass is broke
If there’s one thing we need in this crappy economy
I can tell you, darling, that it’s financial healing

Save up save up save up save up
Let’s not spend tonight
Cut back cut back cut back cut back
‘Cause my money’s tight

Baby, I got sick this morning, ‘cause I’m still mourning my mortgage
Baby, seems like the country’s capsizing – layoffs are rising and rising

And when I get that feeling I want financial healing
Financial healing is good for me
Makes me feel so fine – like Donald Trump
Helps to relieve my mind – better than watching porn

Financial healing, baby, is good for me
And it’s even better—like cable—when you get it for free

It is good for me
And it’s so good to me
My baby
O-O-O-OOH-OOOOH
Let’s get some lube
And turn on the tube
And watch Ali Velshi
Soon we’ll be making it—
Honey, oh we’re doing fine
It’s my medicine
Switch the channel and let me in
When I’m feeling like a poorman
That’s when I need me some Suze Orman

Backup Singers: 

Heal me, Suze Orman

Heal me, Suze Orman [Repeat 4x]

Soloist:
When I get that feeling I need financial healing
Oh when I get that feeling I need financial healing 

[Repeat 2x, Fade Out]